So, I’m sitting in my office, munching on some grapes, PRAYING that the rest of the day will go off drama free, when the phone rings. Now, mind you, for some weird reason, my computer is on the other side of the room from the phone, so err-time the phone rings I have to roll my chair over to my desk. So clearly, each ring of the phone brings on a slight bit of annoyance before I even know what the person wants. Anyway, I get to the phone:
Me: “C speaking.” (I use my singsong voice here. After all, I am customer relations)
Dumb ass customer: “Hey, how do I fill out a claim?”
Who ARE you, and what are you TALKING about?!? I mean, really, people. Did you think you were calling an insurance agency or something? Please get whatever it is you want to say mentally organized before you pick up the phone and start asking for s—t. Write it down if you have to. It shouldn’t take me 10 minutes to figure out what the hell you want.
While we’re at it, why do people always call me about random s—t, anyway? To give them credit, I’m listed in the phone directory under customer relations so maybe if nothing else in the book fits your complaint or concern, call me. However, also listed is furnishings and work order among others. So, why do I get phone calls asking, “Hey, who do I talk to about getting furniture” and “Is this number I call to get something fixed?” No, but HELL NO! Seriously, if you had the book to look up my phone number, why not go that extra mile and get the number to the department that might really give a damn be able to help you?
And what about the ones who try to be all friendly with you because they’re getting ready to ask you for some dumb s—t.
Me: C speaking, how may I help you?
DAC: C is it? Well, hello! And how are you doing this fine afternoon? The weather is really looking wonderful don’t you think?
Me: (How the eff should I know I work inside!) reality: hi. And yes.
DAC: So, C (what the eff, you think you KNOW me now?) … launches into long boring story, which ends with something I can’t do.
Just get to the point! We don’t have to be friends. Really, it’s OK.
Last, but definitely not leastI AM NOT IN THE EFFIN ARMY!! That means don’t talk to me about “digits”, or ask me if I’m “tracking” something. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. When I tell you something, don’t say Roger to signal your acknowledgement, and (listen closely, this one is most important) don’t say HOOAH to me – at any time, regardless of the circumstance! (I think I used it in a blog, actually, but you know, I was being sarcastic so it doesn’t count.)
I think that’s enough sunshine for the day. Now, enjoy the rest of your day, with my assurance that you can continue on just a little bit wiser.