Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Lonely World

Disclaimer: I realize that the next few posts won't be in chronological order. But I started writing a couple detailing our trip, but I want to get the stuff that's on my mind out of the way first. Thanks.

Despite the good time I had on R&R in Atlanta, I kind of missed being in Germany. I mean, I missed my house, I missed Taz and I felt like I was missing out on a lot of the business I usually tend to. But leaving Woodstock this time was different. The night before, we were in bed talking and I could sense that we were both thinking about how much fun we'd had and how our time together was coming to a close. When we hugged goodbye at the terminal for me to catch my flight, it was almost overwhelming for me. I'm glad I got on the plane first. To wait with him at the gate, the loved ones of other soldiers saying goodbye, I think would have been too much for me. Once I got on the plane, I couldn't think about him, I had to think about other things. What was going on in the new Cosmo, what I had to do in Germany, whatever.

When I got to Baltimore, the waiting for my space A flight began. A little of my anxiety subsided when I realized another person from Schweinfurt that I know was on the flight. So, I had a ride home. Woodstock and I got a chance to chat online before his flight boarded and it felt like old times, like normal, like we weren't even apart. Talking to the other Schweinfurt resident and the lesbian who had a crush on her (sorry, thats for another post) passed the time quickly. The flight started boarding at 915 and for technical reasons we didn't take off until after midnight. I fell asleep waiting, and by the time we left, I was ready to be home. But on the ride home from Ramstein, I felt like, what am I rushing home TO. I went by RR#2 house to get Taz so I wouldn't be home alone, but even so, it's like this loneliness enveloped me when I walked into the house. The crazy part is I LIKE being by myself. Or else I think I do. Maybe I've just grown accustomed to it, and have mistaken that for liking it. Whatever the case, I didn't like it. So I started calling people. Of course, no one was home. I chatted online with Cindy ( I haven't come up with a psuedonym for her yet) and then fell asleep.

So you know what happened next, right? Woodstock called. Before I left, I'd set the answering machine to pick up at 2 rings instead of 6, so I awoke to hear him on the machine. He said he'd call the cell. So, when the cell phone rang, I ran to it, picked it up, and .... nothing. I know we just left each other, but for some reason, just to hear his voice on the machine made me feel better though, I wish, and am still wishing and waiting at 1 a.m., that he will get a chance to call back. That he gets the chance to know that I miss him already and although we were in this house (apt?) only a month before he had to leave, it just doesn't feel the same without him. I know that in a few days I'll be back to what I now consider normal life. I'll be busy, I'll have things to do, and I will be begging for days when I can just come home and hope that I can watch TV in peace or go 2 hours without getting a telephone call or having something to do. But right now, all I can do is watch TV and think how funny Woodstock would find this Lt. Dangle and Deputy Junior interview on this late night TV show. All I can think of is, how very alone I feel in this house.

And I want him to know that no matter my moods or my silent periods or the times I don't really want to hear another person talk, I wish he was here.


woodstock said...

You can't be writing these sad blogs. I'm supposed to be doing the "tough guy" thing now. I can't be getting emotional, not in the sad and missing people kind of way.

No Limit said...

Well, I had to go ahead and get it out of my system. The rest of them won't be like that, don't worry.